literally had 100 drinks last night.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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