and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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