Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
