oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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