wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
