I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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