We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just invented taco cereal.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
