A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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