Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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