Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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