There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
