i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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