Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
