he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
