Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
FUCK WHALES
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
