I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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