god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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