you have to choose: penises or morals?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
