Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
