Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
