i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
