the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
the condom got lost in my hair
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
