I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
