Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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