Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
