I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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