The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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