I murdered the dance floor call the cops
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
