I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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