You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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