My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
