the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When are your genitals available?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
