Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
