Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
