is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
