I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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