If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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