i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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