the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
