whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
