I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
