I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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