I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
