I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
