Apparently you make a good broom.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
