my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
