I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
