I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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