Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
