I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
