non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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