I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
