a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
