i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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